Sister Wives, Skiing in June, and Sriracha: 14 of the most bizarre questions I've been asked about living in Utah

So this weekend I had an epiphany: It’s been a year since I moved to Salt Lake City, Utah. Some days it seems longer, some days it seems like I just got here. Some days I feel like a regular when I go downtown or to the coffee shop and some days I still get lost driving to the gym. While I stocked up on winter coats before moving to Utah, nothing prepared me for the odd questions that I’d get asked by people from all over the country. Over the last year, I have kept note of the most bizarre questions that I’ve been asked about Utah from people elsewhere in our great country. I feel that I am now qualified to answer these burning inquiries. Please read below:

1. How many wives do most people there have?

.88. (Women in Utah are 12% skinnier than the national average.)

2. Have you ever seen a sister wife?

No, but once I saw a really old guy at Gracie’s with four ladies half of his age. I think they were prostitutes though...

3. What about…the Mormons? (Always asked in  a whisper the same way someone might ask about the blacks or the Jews.)

Uh…..what about them?

4. Do you worry about the Mormons?

Worry about what?

5. Well you know, getting kidnapped and some guy making you his sixth wife….

To my knowledge, that happened one time twelve years ago and Elizabeth Smart is still milking it for all it’s worth. I guarantee you that some fundamentalist isn’t going to kidnap a snarky middle age woman. (By their standards, a woman becomes middle age at 22.)

6. But maybe….you never know…

I worry about getting kidnapped by a religious whack job just slightly less than I worry about getting Ebola and just slightly more than a satellite falling out of orbit and crushing my beloved jeep. I’m six blocks from the Mormon temple and three blocks from a homeless shelter. When I walk home at night, which route do you think I’m taking? I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say it wasn’t a Mormon missionary that broke into my car…

7. Do you know any Mormons?

Define “know.”

8. Have you ever talked to a Mormon person?

No. I strictly communicate with them via sign language.

9. So has anyone asked you to be a sister wife yet?

Well, my single guy neighbors consistently encourage myself and any single girlfriends to join them in their beds….oh wait…you mean, did any guy want to marry more than one woman and take on more than one nagging wife? Not a chance.

10. Are there any hot girls there?

Nope. None. Please don’t creep through my Facebook for confirmation.

11. Do you have to like, wear a burqua there?

Only on Tuesdays.

12. So can you drink alcohol there?

Only if it’s done in secret. Typically, us deviants get together at an undisclosed location and go into the closet to drink. You have to know the secret password if you want a beer.

13. What about coffee?

Ugh, we have so many hipster dens (a.k.a coffee houses,) in Salt Lake that this city is singlehandedly keeping Apple and sriracha (a.k.a. "the hipster ketchup") in business.

14. Do you ski year-round?

No, silly. In July, we snowboard.

15. Are there any gays there?

Yes, but they have to stay in the aforementioned closet (see question 11).

16. Are there any black people there?

I don’t really know. It’s hard to tell because we apparently exist in a perpetual blizzard (see question 14).

I’m sure there’s more, but I don’t know how many times to explain to people that my neighbors aren’t fundamentalist polygamists and that I’ve never met Mitt Romney or Karl Malone nor do I snowboard with Shaun White on the weekends.